10 creative ways to impart SED to your kids!

Here's a little secret, honey!

For the uninitiated, SED stands for Sex Education for young adults, youngsters who are growing up and need to learn this from you and not Imran Hashmi! I don’t have anything against the actor, but I deplore the way the act is glorified in bollywood, without any information being shared about the consequences. Yes, there are the occasional ‘Phir Milenge’, ‘Kya Kehna’ but for each enlightening movie I can give you ten explicit others that can convince your kid that getting in bed with someone is the coolest thing to do! Free Lunch!

Now that my older one is 11, I have been grappling with this question for the last six months and been shamefully procrastinating. Not like he hasn’t given me a chance to explain. Just the other day, in front of my in-laws, after an entertaining advertisement, he sprung the question, ‘Mom what is a condom?’. Squirm, grimace, cringe!

So here are some creative ways that I found to break the news (assuming they don't already know):

1) Birds and Bees? Nah… bring a mammal pet home

"Dad!! Jenny and Tom are stuck together! Help them, do something!" implored my sister-in-law, as a 10 year old along with her frightened siblings. It was the mating season and the pet dogs were at it. It was the perfect opportunity for their wise dad to sit them down and explain what mating was. No shame, no cringing; plain and simple facts, much to the relief of the frightened kids. Of course they wanted the dogs to mate more often because ‘Puppies are so cute’!

The extrapolation came as a natural progression!

2)  Spark plug

Browsing on the internet, one comes across innumerable tech inspired ideas by the geeks of the world! Consider the dad who plugged in the table lamp and remarked ‘See how the sparks got transferred to the lamp. It creates light, but if not handled properly it could set off a fire.’ Smart idea and yes, one would have to explain the analogy, honestly.

Similar ideas are the mobile phone being charged by the inserted charger, a USB device transferring data to a laptop and so on. We’ve all had our share of laughs about male plugs and female ports. Time we put that to some use now.

3)  Use the videos on internet

We are blessed to be born in an age where a vast collection of visual knowledge lies at our fingertips. Well, yes, as paranoid parents, both blessed and cursed at the same time.

We could use it to serve our purpose. If you are as tongue tied as I am, try the following video on Youtube; this entertaining series called ‘Sex chat with Pappu and Papa’ will leave you chuckling and asking for more! No, I did not mean that, what’s with your perverse mind?

The candid conversations between a resourceful dad and a curious kid are the highlights of this series. ‘What is ‘masturbation’? I know what ‘intellectual’ means!’ are met with a vehement ‘Shush!’ by a visibly embarrassed dad. He recovers soon enough, but has to deal with all the old-worldly wisdom forced down by the patriarch aptly nicknamed, ‘Mogambo’.

4) Books are best!

For kids who love to read, slipping in these witty books in their hands could be a tactful and humorous way of telling them the truth.

‘Where Willy Went?’ written by Nicholas Allen,  is one such hilarious book that narrates the story of a sperm, Willy, an ace swimmer!

'Mommy laid an egg: Or where do babies come from?' by Babette Cole is another book that

is a funny take on the imaginary (BS) stories, that coy adults use to sidestep the truth. In a delightful twist to the usual story, the children show the adults exactly where babies come from!

5) Mythology

One of the funniest jokes doing the rounds during Janmashthami was, ‘If King Kans didn’t want the eighth child, his so-called nemesis, to be born, why, on earth, were Vasudev and Devaki imprisoned in the same cell?’

On a more serious note, tales abound in our mythology, about sex and its consequences. Most children are familiar with these stories.

 Abhigyan Shakuntalam, by Kalidasa narrates the story of a beautiful maiden, Shakuntala and King Dushyant.  The king forgets about the unwed and pregnant Shakuntala, when the ring, a souvenir, is lost!

Mahabharata tells us of the cursed Pandu, who inadvertently kills a mating dear on a hunting expedition and then dies, later on, when he is similarly attracted to his wife, Madri.

6) Academic and science books

'Even if we don’t tell them they will learn eventually from their academic books', is a common refrain from the earlier generation. It’s a good idea to discuss and openly speak about the relevant chapter at an age appropriate time. Biology books have already started explaining male and female parts of plants by grade 5, it could be that chance to explain how mammals reproduce and make it a matter-of-fact scientific discussion.

While we know what we should do, it’s hard (gulp!) to actually look into the face of your 11 year old and tell him, Dad and Mom played games in bed and you are our trophy! ‘Gross’ is what you’re dreading to hear! So here is part of the problem - firmly ingrained in our Indian psyche, is the association with shame and lust. That the act is a normal process and a part of all mammal life on planet earth is not something that was passed on to us as easily by the previous generation. And then somewhere in our school books, some enlightened author said, ‘Since the rural population has no other source of recreation, their population is jumping by leaps and bounds’. That sealed it forever – sex is the pastime of the boorish and the illiterate!

Hopefully we will not pass on our prejudices to our children. More importantly, we need to open the doors to discussion on such subjects so they never feel the need to solicit advice from questionable sources.

(Oops…did I say 10 ideas? Well I found only 6! Will ya guys please, contribute to this list, I’m sure you have some crazy ones of your own! It’s called crowdsourcing and I love your spirit of collaboration!)

Parenting: A new perspective

After attending the first session on a very reputed parenting workshop organized by Happy Family Foundation (Jitubhai Shah) in Surat today, my mind is buzzing with thoughts and questions. 

The workshop conveners by their own admission have drawn heavily from various books a prominent one being - 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by Faber and Mazlish. 

A popular book that is a free read on the Kindle that I received, it falls in the category of self help books that many of us detest and look upon with such scorn. In fact, the book is a fabulous read but not, as one might think, a substitute for this stimulating parenting workshop. The fallacy is that we CAN teach ourselves to be better - It doesn't take a parenting course or 21 odd hours spent at a goddamn workshop! 

Ah! How we fool ourselves!

As any avid reader will testify, reading a book does not automatically change our personality; it does not erase the notions of parenting handed down to us by generations. But a structured intensive workshop that forces one to practice specified skills and share peer feedback, appears to be a more effective tool for change. 

The singular achievement of this workshop is the degree of self awareness that the very first session has brought about. As old participants have testified and I have witnessed in a close friend, the workshop effectively brings about a perceptible and sustained change in the attitude of the parent.

The crux of the matter appears to be this - in our communication with our children we are scarcely able to keep aside our own emotions and insecurities. Every conversation with the child is fraught with the anxiety that we haven’t tried hard enough to convince them, that they will fall behind their peers or that they will inherit our worst failings! Through our topsy-turvy way of looking at the world, we try to fit them into the cubby-holes of 'an ideal child'!

So an 'ideal child' must excel in academics, sports and music…never mind if he helped out with the dishes with his mom!

Let the dreamer just be!

We are so lost in the daily trials and tribulations of our lives that forcing the child to clean his room takes priority over lending him an ear. My frustration at picking up after them gets voiced in unbelievably uncouth words and gestures. I can give perfect answers to all the questions listed in the workshop parenting questionnaire yet will fail in implementing most of the listed skills.

Couple all that with the fact that women today feel the need to establish their identity as well, much before the birds have flown from the nest and you have a perfect recipe for a high pressure cauldron - boiling and simmering!

In short there are no easy answers. We don’t know who cleaned up ultimately and we don’t know (and don’t care!) whether the child eventually returned to his cricket coaching classes. Perhaps there is a greater ideal than getting stuck in these trifles - to establish a loving and nurturing relationship between the child and the parent. And this is the objective that the convener explicitly lays down in the first session of the workshop. That objective supersedes all other ambitions that we may dream for the child. Amen.

An experience to last a lifetime!

Nobody ever told me how much I would miss being pregnant long after the much anticipated event of child birth would be over! The sheer trepidation and joy of waiting for the baby, witnessing all the myriad changes in your body, experiencing the miracle of it all…it is an incomparable experience! Here are some snippets!

A humongous appetite:  I wish I had a picture of my wondering yet supportive husband staring at me devouring an entire plate of noodles and marvelling at my sudden change in appetite. 6 months pregnant, I was ravenous every few hours and just couldn’t get enough to eat. I even remember eyeing my brother’s unfinished burger thinking, ‘Hmm….maybe he is not going to finish that!’

Belly dance!  I was seven months pregnant and had just set an assignment to a class of college going kids, when suddenly my baby decided to do the tango. The newspaper that was conveniently resting on my belly went blip up and blup down! I’ll never forget the stunned look of a student eyeing me with suspicion!

Spicy cravings: Why did green chillies suddenly smell so aromatic and enticing? Never did I know that all of our lives and all of our bodies are controlled by that one ubiquitous element- Hormone! Suddenly I was gorging down green chillies by the dozen and loving every minute of it! Of course my husband now blames me for my daughter’s fiery temperament!

Becoming philosophical : Why did the trees, the grass, the flowers and the sky suddenly look so much more awe inspiring? The very thought of sharing so much beauty with a little toddler walking by my side, would give me goosebumps. If ever there was an atheist in me, this was the end of her! Forever I would be in awe of the sheer perfection with which the lord crafts a new flower and with as much consummate ease, a new human being.

Good food, healthy babies: Suddenly taking care of one’s diet didn’t seem low priority at all! All the green vegetables and boring fruits appeared to be far more attractive than the hitherto alluring junk food. Trust me expecting mothers- feeding yourself can be a lot easier than feeding a fussy child…take advantage of the situation while you can!

Bye bye OTC medicines: As a doctor’s daughter I grew up a happy pill popper. Only to be shattered when I learnt that my Crocins would betray me when I needed them the most! Thanks to my mom’s ‘Yoga for pregnancy’ book, I was introduced to a more holistic understanding of my body and realised the importance of overall physical well being. Sure, the child starts changing your perceptions even before he has arrived!

Throwing my modesty to the winds!  Many a woman has shared this ironical thought with me! In most Indian communities, women are taught modesty with earnest passion from the day they are born……only to be forced to shed all their inhibitions one fine day when they are ready to procreate! Not only do our bodies go through this great overhaul, we are also expected to be absolutely cool with showing a lot more skin to hospital staff, attendants and doctors! Nobody ever told us how gross the entire birthing process was!

All worth it! As any mother will testify, years afterwards the lasting memory is that of the first sight of a healthy, bonny, beautiful baby! All the stiff joints, the terrible back pain and the awkwardness of being so large that you can’t see your toes….all those memories get blurred , what stays with you for a lifetime is the wonderful experience of seeing life recreate itself. Amen.

He's watching you!

I vividly remember a prank that my brother and his-in-cahoots wife played on unsuspecting us in a log cabin at Lake George, USA. The panic attack that I experienced at that time was matched only by my ensuing embarrassment for not having guessed their plan! The game was simple, we would all ask questions to this online intelligent entity (www.peteranswers.com) who would answer our every question, but the catch that we missed was that my brat of a brother would be the privileged one to type in the questions; turns out he keyed in the answers under our collective noses! And there were three other very intelligent ones in that very room, I might add!

The feeling that there was this invisible phantom following us around was the spookiest feeling I ever got! But guess what?! It’s been following me around again- this time while browsing the internet!

Sometime back I compiled a wish list on a prominent Ecommerce website, of all the games and toys that I would like to order for my children when time and resources permit. And lo behold! Suddenly every website I now visited had got wind of my ‘private’ wish list. They pester me everywhere I go like a whining child who has learnt of my intentions of buying him a gift!

Something that reminds me of a presumptuous Search Engine that very helpfully offers to correct the spelling of my search, even though I may be completely confident of the content!

Or that officious auto correction feature on my android OS phone that interferes every time I key in a basic Hindi message. A ‘Kya’ becomes a ‘Kay’ and ‘ka’ turns into ‘is’! After some diligent training my previously anglicised android phone is now semi- literate in Hindi!

Or the spell checker in every word document program that prods you to spell the word 'behaviour' as 'behavior', lest we deteriorate into British English from American English!

This over-the-shoulder AI trend is quite disturbing. Consider cookies stalking your every movement, piecing together bits of an individual ‘you’, all to facilitate the work of canny marketers - that should make Edward Snowdens out of most of us who value our privacy above everything else! Not for us the sneeze and change FB status lifestyle! Neither the ubiquitous selfie clicked on any given opportunity!

As everything else there is a flip side to this. One could argue that tracking consumer behaviour on the internet has led to the most benefits for the customer herself. Before we appreciate that nebulous need completely, the internet cookies have done that thinking for us. Isn’t that allowing for a better, easier consumer experience?

In an increasingly materialistic and consumerist society- Yes.

But speak for yourself- I would probably run away and take refuge like the famous Bengali actress- Suchitra ‘recluse’ Sen!

Discord in harmony!

If you have ever sung as part of a choir, you will experience the need to fit in, to modulate your voice and tone to be in harmony; a feeling not unlike the strain felt by a teenager who buys the latest Nike shoes or the latest iPhone. It takes a while for the novice to realize that along with the accompanying beats, words and music, there is space for individuality. This taut relationship between uniting togetherness and rippling below-the-surface individuality is what makes for an engaging performance!

This constant battle between being one and united as one is played out in numerous arenas. A group of amateur Garba dancers offers a glimpse into their multifarious lives. The synchronous feet matched with every beat and the arms swaying to the lilting song, cannot hide the different colours. The restrained sari clad housewife ever mindful of her pallu, the playful teenager with limbs flaying in all directions, the maverick who dances to her own beat, the thoughtful young lady on the cusp of maturity ......all in harmony, playing out the garba in tandem, in surprising congruity! A microcosm at play!

The world is all about non-conformists revealing blasphemous great truths to the regimented troops that abound. It took a Snowden to question conformity, a Newton to ask an obvious yet unasked question, a Gandhi to challenge the notions of superiority of force.

And yet we are obsessed as ever with suffocating order and discipline in schools and colleges. ‘We don’t need no education’ screamed the rebels but we looked away. It’s convenient after all to herd children together and guide them through the same rigmarole day after deadening day. The same chants and the same rhymes repeated year after year, long after London Bridge and all the accompanying references fell down!

Mercifully they break away at play. Anywhere in the world, you give me a park with a slide, and I’ll give you a child who climbs up and refuses to merely slide down! Rules be damned! A plastic cricket bat turns into a microphone, a guitar, an athlete’s pole vault, a road for miniature cars, a gun, an impromptu tray, a cash counter for an imaginary retail store, a propped up tree- what have you not!

In a world where more than ever before, we need creative politicians, scientists, teachers, entrepreneurs...and more and more out of the box thinkers, where are we going to get our saviours? We’ve boxed them in!

'Barfi' - a movie review

Barfi – Review of the movie

For me the touchstone of a good movie is the lingering hangover- a simple barometer, the longer, the more intense, the better.

‘Barfi’ hits you like the aroma of freshly ground coffee as you step into a café. It stirs your senses like fresh air let into a damp room.

No matter the blatant copying of the Charlie Chaplinisque jokes, they are still so appealing and delivered with such panache by a brilliantly versatile Ranbir Kapoor.

A fragmented yet taut storyline set in shifting time frames, grips you from the start. Ostensibly, the story of a hearing and speech impaired boy (Barfi, played by Ranbir Kapoor) set in a sleepy hill station, Darjeeling, in due course, Barfi becomes a revelation of what ideal love should be. It depicts the innocent and fresh love that blossoms between Barfi and Jhilmil, an autistic girl portrayed remarkably well by Priyanka Chopra. Their love speaks of the desire to dance together to the beat of the other, to be able to see the world through the other’s eyes; a raw pure, primal attraction between two souls, where being together, always, is all that matters. Unhearing yet perceptive, Barfi senses Jhilmil’s elation with the dance-drama performers. In the final moments it becomes a thoughtful wedding gift!  Barfi stirs those long forgotten emotions - the desire to laugh, run and play, unrestrained and uninhibited like little children in the open countryside. A freshness and innocence long lost in the worldly cacophony. Perhaps, the hearings impaired have rightly more perspective on what a more fulfilling life should be.

The director cleverly gives the audience a view from both Barfi’s as well as Jhil Mil’s side. The blindening confusion of a noisy insensitive society is reflected in the blinking diffident eyes of an aptly named Jhil Mil. (She prefers to decipher the world inverted in a glass ball.)

And the keen perspicacity of a man who does not hear the vehement denials of a concerned caretaker guardian, but gauges the restless body language of a man who is lying. The powerful scene leaves you speechless!  

The backgroundscore is appropiately sprightly, to keep up with the verve of an upbeat Ranbir and solemn with the pathos of some truly poignant moments.

Barfi is a heart rending love story of a differently gifted young man and a woman. Or maybe no - Barfi is an eternal love story. Period.

 

My memories of a trip to Dang Forest, Mahal

Standing on a balcony of a forest rest house, overlooking a muddy river, one can hear the rustling leaves whispering a forgotten secret, the humming drone of a thousand insects, the rousing breeze that sways the green branches of the canopy over me and the constant gush and the mad rush of the brick coloured river breaking into white waves at the check dam...unspoilt, virgin, untouched by the decadent insidious fingers of commercialization. Open your eyes and one can see in the distance, tall trees draped in green foliage, stoically standing sentinel over a boundless, immeasurable ocean of greenery, with ebbs and troughs of grass and leaves rippling in the wild wind, the sun playing hide and seek with dusky, boisterous clouds........Mahal is Nature's lap indeed.

The intermittent chirping of invisible birds, a flight of birds cackling in unison, their unexpected crescendo, the calypso beat of a an elusive woodpecker,...forest ants marching down a green railing bar, all adding up to a magical symphony conducted by nature. I'm not the first one to be in the throes of this rapturous beauty, and I hope I'm not one of a dying breed! There are others happily ensconced in their simulated world of Angry Birds and Temple Runs!

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The population here mostly consists of marginal farmers with small plots demarcated by rickety fences. All day long one can see villagers (mostly women) doubled up, draped in dowdy saris, planting paddy saplings with back breaking ardour. Men ploughing the fertile fields with bulls abound. All along the way, wonder-eyed, half naked little children arrest your attention with their out-spread palms, innocent wonder in their eyes...many already burdened with siblings astride their gentle hips.



My Umbrella!



Does verdant nature have to be hand in hand with heart rending poverty? With nature's bounty abounding one wonders why can't the fruits of so called economic development percolate down to these adivasis? In an era of a vibrant industrialized Gujarat, one realizes that growth is perhaps never uniform. The alluring beauty seemingly camouflages this harsh truth. The irony is that this untouched canvass of beauty exists because of the protection that it receives being part of a protected forest reserve. 

You want to roll on the green meadows, like 70's heroines!

 

The river following a tortuous path amidst lush greenery. View from the top of a somewhat dry waterfall.